You’ve probably heard it a thousand times: “You’re so great to work with.” Nice, right?
Until you realize it doesn’t put you in the room where the strategic conversations happen, you’re missing out on stretch assignments, and you’re not seen as leadership material.
Today, we’re unpacking why niceness (without candour) can hold you back in your career, and how to swap it out for a game-changing leadership skill: kind candour.
Let’s dive in…
Why women feel pressure to be nice
The root of the pressure we feel to be “nice” is often in our conditioning and societal expectations that have been placed on us. We’re raised to be ‘good girls’ and we’re rewarded for that with praise. We receive messages telling us that being easy-going is what will make us likable.
So we learn not to rock the boat.
This stuff runs deep and is often reinforced in the workplace. Here’s proof: 76% of high-performing women get personality-based criticism in reviews vs. just 2% of men, so it’s no wonder women are afraid to speak up! And 56% of women feel pressure to be liked, so they refrain from challenging others or sharing opposing opinions.
But that may not be the right move if you’re looking to move up in your career.
Why being too nice can backfire
When your goal is to avoid ruffling feathers, you end up with unintended consequences:
- Unclear communication: You spend ages crafting a “nice” Slack message or email to avoid hurting feelings and just end up confusing everyone.
- Invisible impact: You say “yes” to extra projects and burn yourself out trying to help everyone else… without seeing any reward for yourself.
- Lack of growth on your team: You avoid uncomfortable conversations and constructive feedback, so your team never grows, and your credibility takes a hit.
- Low visibility: If you’re not sharing your wins, who is? Promotions go to the person who’s both kind and direct, not the one who works hard with their head down.
My turning point moment:
Years ago, I attended an off-site with a leadership team that I was part of. It was hosted by a facilitator named Linda, whom we hired to help us work together in a more effective way.
When I met Linda, she was unassuming and kind, but wow, she could call you on your shit! The key thing I noticed was that she did it in a way where you still felt supported and not attacked.
As someone who had struggled to be direct in the past (I wanted to be liked!), this was a huge lightbulb moment for me: It was possible to deliver constructive feedback or challenge a colleague without jeopardizing our relationship.
That offsite changed everything for me. From that day forward, I vowed to master kind candour with my peers and my teams.
So what’s kind candour?
Kind candour is the perfect mix of directness and kindness. It’s not easy to master, but it’s worth trying! And it’s useful in so many situations that we find uncomfortable or awkward at work. Here are a few examples of kind candour in action:
Giving feedback
Don’t say: “That presentation didn’t land.” It’s direct, but not kind!
Try: “I know you poured your heart into this. To help the audience connect, let’s tweak our opening story so the impact is crystal clear.”
When you don’t agree with a colleague’s idea
Don’t stay silent to avoid upsetting them when you have concerns or improvements to add.
Instead, say: “Can I share an alternative that might strengthen this plan?”
When pushing back on a request
Don’t take it on if you can’t do it. That’s not direct or honest, and it’s not kind to yourself.
Don’t say: “Sorry, I’m slammed!!” It’s overly apologetic.
Instead, say, “Thanks for thinking of me. I’m focused on X right now, so I need to pass. My recommendation is to work with (name) on moving this forward.”
How to set yourself up for success
If you’re new to this, it’s going to feel uncomfortable at first, but the more you practice, the more you’ll build your kind candour muscle! Here are a few ways to create an environment that will help you be successful.
- Invest in relationships first. When you’ve invested in building real connection and trust with your team and colleagues, they’ll know you care about them! This will also help you put feedback into context related to helping them reach their career goals.
- Normalize two-way feedback. Regularly ask, “What could I do differently next time?” This makes feedback part of the culture for everyone, not a surprise.
- Practice small, frequent check-ins. Casual “How’s that change working?” chats make candour feel natural and low-stakes.
Until next time friends… ✌️💜
Katy
