If there's one mistake I see people make over and over, it's this: They try to figure everything out on their own instead of asking for help or leveraging other people's experience and expertise.
To be fair, I don't think most women are doing this on purpose. Most of the people I know would agree that it makes sense to leverage another person's expertise, but just aren't intentional about making this a key part of their success strategy. And there are some key factors that probably make it harder for women to do this than for men.
I've been on both sides. There are times in my career I've been really great at this, and other times I haven't, and I've seen firsthand what the difference in results has been.
I want to dive into this topic today because this is something I see keeping women stuck – whether you're just spinning your wheels trying to solve a challenge, get to the next level in your career, or even holding yourself back because you're not sure you're ready – today's newsletter is for you.
I'll share why I see this more commonly in senior-level women and why it may be a bigger problem than you think.
Let's dive in…
Why this is easier early in your career
As I sat down to write this, I initially started this section as "Why this is easy early in your career," but realized I should acknowledge that for some people, it's never easy to ask for help. There's definitely variation between people, but often our reluctance to ask for help comes from the insecurity of not knowing something. If you can get over this (regardless of what stage of career you're in), it's going to help you immensely.
With that said, earlier in our careers, it's easier to admit that we don't know things because no one's expecting you to know very much early in your career! Your currency is hard work, tenacity, and grit. It's not your decades of expertise.
When I started my career in sales, I had no problem asking tons of questions. Each time I started a new role, I would seek out the most successful salesperson on the team and book time with them to ask questions and learn what they were doing that was making them so successful.
This made a huge impact on my success. And it just came down to admitting that there was a lot I still needed to learn and being willing to ask others for help. And if I've learned one thing, it's that people are typically more than happy to help you out.
On top of this, early in your career you're much more likely to be offered help in the form of mentorship and training, so you don't always even need to be proactive about it. But then things change…
What changes as you move up
As you move up in your career and in an organization, you start to become the person who others come to for insights and advice. Suddenly, you're expected to have the answers.
I have to admit that I fell into this. When I was a director reporting to the CEO, he was able to give me some high-level mentorship when it came to leadership and life, but I was the most senior salesperson in our organization. I was the one running the function, hiring the team, and making the calls. I discovered that there was no one internally for me to go to for advice on my specific functions.
The first big mistake I made was thinking that meant I had to do it on my own, when in reality it simply meant that I needed to find help outside the organization. But before I realized this, I spent years feeling as though I was banging my head against the wall, making mistakes and failing as I was trying to lead this function at a more senior level than I ever had before. It seemed to me like all of the other leaders just had the answers, and I didn't.
The second mistake I made was that when I finally decided to look outside for help, I asked the wrong people. I asked people for advice who were in very different situations than I was, so their advice ended up being useless to me.
Here are 2 clear examples:
- I was trying to create our sales forecast. We were a small start-up with essentially no revenue. I asked someone I knew who was a VP of Sales for a large, established Biotech company. The advice he gave didn't apply because we didn't have any of the metrics he used to forecast.
- I wanted people to take me more seriously as a leader, so I asked my former boss (now a C-suite exec) for his advice. But he was a 6.3″ rugby-playing alpha male, and I was a single mom. The advice he gave made no sense and was completely useless for me…
I share this not because I want to suggest that looking outside the organization was a mistake, but more to highlight that you need to be really intentional about what advice you ask for, and from whom.
When I became an EVP and joined my sales leader peer group, I now had a trusted group of external leaders who I could go to for any challenge. This was the perfect group to get real advice from because they understood my situation and had the expertise I needed. I talk about joining this group often because it was truly one of the most game-changing decisions I made in my leadership career.
Why this is especially tough for women
I mentioned two examples of times that I asked the wrong person for advice. Both times, these people were men, and they were in very different situations than I was in. To be clear, both of them wanted to help me. Both of them gave me their time and gave me their advice, but the problem was that we were in such different environments and had such different lived experiences that I was not able to action the advice they gave me.
I think this is a really important point because people have challenged me in the past about the fact that I believe women need women mentors and peers to support us in our leadership journey. And while I agree that men can make excellent coaches and mentors, I still believe women need other women.
If you're the primary parent at home, you need someone who factors that in.
If you're the only woman at the table, you need someone who understands that dynamic.
If your ideas are being discounted because you're female, you need someone who believes you and will help you figure it out.
And this is where the challenge really comes. As you move up in leadership, there are fewer women at your level, and chances are your friends outside work are not executives. This means that the higher you go, the smaller that trusted circle becomes, and you probably need these people now more than ever!
The disadvantage of going it alone
Many of the women I know see that circle shrink, and their response is to just try to figure out everything themselves or turn to the male mentors they already have. And there are really 3 disadvantages to this:
It's lonely AF: Having other people who get it and who understand you is invaluable. There were years that I felt so isolated in leadership because I didn't have a trusted circle of women who really got me. Let's not underestimate how important this is.
It's a strategic disadvantage: There are lots of smart people who have figured things out! And your male colleagues often have these networks organically, which is a huge advantage for them. They get to learn from other people's mistakes and successes, get advice and even get connected to others.
As Stacy Sims says, women are not small men: Stacy says this when it comes to our physiology, but it applies to leadership too! Women don't lead like men, and we often need different advice that's specific to us. Relying on men as our only mentors means we need to sift through their advice and figure out what actually applies.
Now what?
If you saw yourself in today's newsletter, this is your sign, and I can help! But I want to be clear – I think you should find your people regardless of whether I'm involved or not. If you can connect with other women execs on your own, do it! But if you need some help, that's where I come in:
If you're in a director or senior director role now, I'm doing a free masterclass on Sept 8th, all about what's holding you back from that VP role and where you need to focus to finally break through. In that masterclass, you'll gain key insights AND learn more about what it's like to work with me. This may just be the thing that finally gets you to the next level, like the 100+ women I've already helped get promoted.
And if you're a woman who's already in a VP or C-level role and is looking for that trusted circle, reply to this email and let's chat because I've built something special for women just like you! It's an invite-only room of senior exec women, and I'd love to share more.
Until next time, friends… ✌️💜
Until next time friends… ✌️💜
Katy
